I’ve been up since 4 am in a continuous thought spiral. This is not atypical for me however it’s feeling a little cryptic given that it is the final day of the year so, instead of going back to sleep, I’ve decided to hopefully write my way out of this one. I think my thoughts are oddly finally culminating on the final day of what has been a seriously tough year, not just for me but for most everyone that I know.
I’ve had a lot of beautiful moments this year which I believe I should acknowledge first. I was able to take some pretty amazing Sundance Collab courses at the start of the year which provided me with my first ever formal training on narrative screenwriting. What has resulted is a feature script that I’m pretty proud of. I was able to work with mentors from that program as well who helped me finally understand the gaps in my knowledge and writing. I was also very fortunate to work with some of my favorite people to produce and perform a one person 40 minute play this year written by one of my favorite playwrights, Simon Stephens. I was able to conquer every fear I had and push past every comfort zone to get this done. I still have so much to learn but I consider myself super lucky to have had this opportunity. I will forever be indebted to the people who worked with me (Austin Savage, Nathan Stell, Chris and Kat Bevins, and Ben Saenz) to make it happen. I am also immensely grateful to those who came to the play and supported me or sent messages of support. I see you, I appreciate you, and your kindness will stay with me forever. I had beautiful adventures this year - Disneyland for my mom’s 70th birthday, concerts and film festivals around the country, London and Paris with family this past October, and many visits, vacations, and/or zoom/phone calls filled with deep conversations with close friends and family (you know who you are and I love you to pieces). This will be a year to remember for sure.
That said, joy and grief can co-exist as this year was also one of the hardest of my life. I have been dealing with a painful chronic health issue since May. I have seen multiple specialists who are scratching their heads. I hope to have answers this coming year about my physical health and hopefully a solution. Luckily, I have a wonderful mental health therapist who has helped me through this so I have been very fortunate in this respect. She is also helping me through the last few years of unresolved issues, which may or may not be contributing to this health issue.
And though this is part of what keeps me up at night, tonight I have also been hyper focused on my interactions I’ve had with others this year. I’ve been reflecting on the kindness of others and what that means exactly.
What makes a “kind” person? (yes, these existential thought spirals at 4 am are killer) I think we can create a over-simplified answer to this question but I really don’t think it’s that simple. Ever. I personally think that it boils down to authenticity. I know that’s a buzz word these days and gets thrown around a lot but I personally don’t think that you can be kind without being authentic. I also don’t take kindness to mean niceness. To me: Kindness means honesty. It means saying what you mean in a gentle, compassionate way that always takes into account others’ feelings. Kindness means apologizing and taking accountability for your thoughts and actions even if they’re messy, complicated, and filled with nuance which they so often are. Kindness means defending others’ rights to share their own perspectives and listening closely, deeply, and with empathy.
Speaking of authenticity, if I may. If I’m being truly honest, the level of disappointment that I have felt in certain, but frankly too many people this year has been a shock to my system. I don’t believe that we are being kind to each other. I believe that we would rather generally avoid than repair, fake kindness rather than find common ground which could lead to real kindness, magically think our way out of tough situations instead of confronting the truth of their existence and facing them.
I see this everywhere - on all sides of the political spectrum, in nonprofit and for profit spaces, in human interactions, at schools and community centers. I’ve seen it worsen within the last few years. We can’t have honest conversations. We’ve become so comfortable with creating comfortable but false narratives about ourselves and others and grossly defending them without acknowledging or seeking the actual truth. I saw it all this year in places and in relationships that I never expected to.
But perhaps making shit up about ourselves, about others, about our world is part of helping us survive what has been a tough many years for everyone. I get it. I’m not immune to it which is why I say “we”. But, for what it’s worth, I hope that we figure our shit out and that we can first be honest with ourselves - specifically about the kind of footprint we’re leaving on other people’s hearts and yes, hearts because everybody has them (Ahem, I’m talking to you, transphobes, xenophobes, ableists, body shamers, amongst others).
For the record, I also believe in physical and emotional safety and that there are people with whom we should never interact. This is where avoidance is absolutely essential.
As we enter a new year, my hope is that we stop disappointing/dehumanizing each other. My biggest hope is kindness - authenticity with the end goal of compassion, reparation, or, at the very least, understanding.
Perhaps, let’s make it a goal that by this time next year, most of us can say that, as tough as it was, we never felt alone.
Here’s to honestly, authentically, truly, and deeply from the bottom of my tattered (and often dramatic) heartstrings, wishing you a new year filled with hope, kindness, humility, honesty and bravery.
Love,
Angie